I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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