At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
