Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
