You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
