Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
