Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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