OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
