Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
