first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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