Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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