I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
