I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
