she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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