I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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