Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
