Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
