So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
