Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
