she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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