It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Blood and glitter go together right?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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