Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sext me about skeletons
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
