Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
