your parents love me but you hate me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
