i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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