Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
