I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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