Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
