Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
what day is it and did you see me today?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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