So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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