Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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