did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
