My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
