I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
