matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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