I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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