You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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