i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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