I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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