I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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