I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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