I think i peed on brittanys purse
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
