Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
