Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
