you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
just found out that she named her cat after me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Randomize
