dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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