I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
foreskin is a definite game changer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
