Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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