ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize