Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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