He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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