Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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