Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
