Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
