I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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