It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Soap is not a condiment
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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