I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Randomize
