She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
