I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
