what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
